Organizations

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Celebrity Babes and Beer

By Chad Damiani

Perv What a turn on! Fan I wonder how they feel inside?

Im enjoying a pint at Rudys when the topic of the fairer sex arises.

Yes, guys talking about women at a bar. Go figure.

The boys and I dont discuss our girlfriends, wives or the new sexy accountant at somebodys work - hell, we barely give lip service to the girl wearing hip-huggers and playing pool ten feet away. (Exposed thong - hot or whorish? Vote now.)

We talk about celebrities. Specifically, the Britneys, Christinas and Paris Hiltons of the world. The boys and I like them pretty, dim-witted? and only a few clicks past their eighteenth birthday.

Fan or Perv?

For those of you who cant tell the difference between perversion and fanaticism, check out these examples

PERVERT Did you see that hot kiss between Britney and Madonna?

FAN Hey, when Britney kissed Madonna, do you think Britney was wearing lip gloss from her new line of adolescent beauty products?

PERVERT Jennifer Love Hewitt has the most beautiful set Ive ever seen.

FAN Jennifer Love Hewitt has the most beautiful tea set Ive ever seen. According to CRIBS, she also collects Parisian finger bowls.

PERVERT LeAnn Rimes - what a body! I hope she poses nude to spite her parents.

FAN LeAnn Rimes - what a body of work! I hope she sings a duet with young up-and-comer Josh Brolin.

PERVERT Why doesnt Kaley Cuoco have a bikini calendar? Id love to have her hanging next to my bed.

FAN Why doesnt Kaley Cuoco have a tell-all autobiography? Id love to hear how she handled John Ritters death.

Dont get me wrong. Ive got mad respect for girls with a little more weather on the tread. Personally, Id kill to siesta with Salma (7, believe it or not) or work full-time as Demis post-workout thigh masseuse. And in reality-land, I also love brainy broads who can run with me during Double Jeopardy.

But I dont come to Rudys for reality. I come here for cheap beer, cheaper hot dogs and a jukebox that can play Otis Redding, Whitesnake and Fatboy Slim for a single buck. So quit judging and screw off.

These talks are always fun, but never lead to any good. First off, you start noticing how much brainpower youve dedicated to women you have no chance of polishing. I can recall glossy lips and scandalous dresses from ten years of Teen Choice Award shows with striking detail, but ask me what I got back on my taxes last year and nothing. Its embarrassing.

Then again, you cant daydream about stuff like your Visa pin number when youre stuck in gridlock. But Jessica Albas belly button? that single perfect image can get me through the Lincoln Tunnel and halfway down the New Jersey Turnpike. In rush hour. On Memorial Day weekend.

And then theres that buddy of yours who pisses on the whole conversation, because he doesnt know the difference between being a pervert and an actual fan. You know who Im talking about. The whole junkyard crew is raving about Shakiras ability to shake her ass like a paint mixer, when some buzzkill chimes in with I hear shes dating Fred Durst from Limp Bizkit or Did you know that she is having a feud with Italian Vogue? Ugh. Thanks for the celebrity dish, douche bag. Im glad to see that your subscription to Tiger Beat is finally paying off.

Look, like it or not, there are a few unspoken rules when it comes to drooling over younger girls. Talk of alleged nude pictures of Mandy Moore on the Internet. Good. Discussion of Avril Lavignes comments on vegetarianism. Very, very bad.

If youre still confused, just ask yourself this question before you utter a word Is what Im about to say something that would fascinate a 1 year-old girl? If the answer is yes, then shut up and drink. Otherwise, Im personally going to have to dig into you and expose your overgrown inner-Girl Scout to the group.

And trust me pal, she wont be the least bit pretty.

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